Ode to Spam

Hi everyone,

Many of you may not know this, but I have a real soft spot in my heart for idiosyncratic spam emails. I love the imaginative details they come up with in the personas that the emails are supposedly from. I generally email them to friends when I come across good ones. But decided this time to share it with you all. This spam mail comes to us from “Adriana.” And here is her email to me.

Take it away Adriana…..[Note: my commentary is in brackets]

BABE… i guess your not getting any of my email huh? [Nope.] ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? [pretty good actually, thanks. Been doing a lot of DIY decorating, as I’m sure you’ve seen from my facebook posts.]

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana..[I narrow it in my head to a few possibilities. Did I know her from acting class? College? I stall for time until my memory kicks in.] we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me 🙁 haha.. [Oh right. That Adriana. Fuck why did I bring up facebook? Awkward. But luckily her “haha’s” dispel the tension.] anyways guess what…[Yeah, let’s change the subject please.] I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news..[oh great!] 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago..and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U..[Woah, a little stalkery. Suddenly, I’m remembering why I de-friended Adriana.] lol… ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..[Estranged from her family. Oh man, nowI feel a kinda bad for her.]

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally
can HAHA! [I try to ignore her maniacal laugh.] im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in…[Oh here it is – the real reason she’s writing. Although I do love interior decorating, so I find myself agreeing to help.] are u still on facebook? [Oh man – she had to get in another dig about facebook. Look, I’m sorry I fucking de-friended you okay?] i cudnt find ui was
soo confused…[dig, dig, dig.] anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and
take me out so u better be around bebe…[I actually do live near Bebe. There is one at the Beverly Center! Although I still don’t know how to pronounce it. Baybay? Beebee?]
we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u
better when i was single [Aw, flattery will get you everywhere.] ..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol…[I love Adriana’s use of the archaic old English words “thoguth” and “cudnt” popularized in the great epic “Beowulf.” I forgot how smart Adriana was. Perhaps I was too hasty in de-friending her.] ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo.. [totally into astrology, too] love the outdoors [me too!] and love to socialize [mostly me too!], go out for
drinks, [yup!] restaurants, [double yup!] movies etc.. travel..[where have you been all my life?] i have a lil kitty named
BOO [My favorite nickname! Did I mention I do animal rescue?] and i luv her to death…[Oh Adriana – why did I ever de-friend you? You are like my soulmate. My twin, my other half.] uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it. [Record scratch. And here we were getting along like gangbusters. I, of course, am thrown by this comment, but I also admire her straightforwardness.] so ilove watching p0rn and all
that..[ummm, I love watching House Hunters International? (awkward silence)] love sex etc blah blah blah…who doesnt..[Geez, why is she getting so defensive? Just as my mind races to find a polite way to get the fuck out of this conversation, suddenly, I pick up on a world-weary melancholy underneath her bravado. Suddenly…I just want to give her a big hug.]

I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get
there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent
married yet lol.. [Fuck. I hope Adriana doesn’t have a subscription to Vogue Sposa.] OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..[Help her move in AND find her a job. Jesus, Adriana. Mooch much?]

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? [And yet, for some reason, I feel like I want to help poor lost Adriana – so alone she can’t even hang out with her cousins – all three of them! – and so I nod my head.] id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that…really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people..[I often work in my home office – ooh I just put up the cutest grasscloth wallpaper. I posted pics on facebook..er…I mean….fuck.] oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? [Uh yeah – actually if you could send me a whole resume that would be great.] hmm shud i……???? [generally people need resumes.] ok WELLLL… and dont get all weirded out
on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA…[There’s that maniacal laugh again. I laugh too – out of nervousness – but then force myself to stop. After all, I promised Adriana I wouldn’t get all “weirded out” so I try to remain stoic.] BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. [ I nod politely as my Southern mother taught me in such awkward occasions.] like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh…[I see in Adriana’s eyes that she’s not so much trying to convince me, but herself – and my heart hurts for her. I imagine the self-esteem pep talks I will give her as soon as she gets to town and we go shopping at Bebe.] anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol…[Oh dear, she picked up on my unease. And here I was trying my best to not appear judgmental. Damn that Adriana is so perceptive. I will tell her that in my pep talk!] i actually need help
once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out….like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP..[Except, apparently, when you are taking off your clothes on the web cam…but I decide to be kind and not point out this discrepancy.] ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..[Wow, what a cry out for help. Fear not, Adriana, help is here. Your carefree laugh and facade of horny insouciance may fool everyone else…but not me. Not me. I was brave enough to de-friend you, remember? I was the only one in your circle who would not enable your facade. For god’s sake – you speak old English and you’re only 23. You can do so much better!]

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal….every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else…[Umm, or we could skype? But then I realize that she is purposefully using coded language for us to hatch our plan for her escape. I wink knowingly.”Sure give me the VIP codes.” wink. wink.] the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF… i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER…[“Mister.” aha! That must be my alias for “Operation: Free Adriana”. My! Such subterfuge is needed- this Natalie must be a real piece of work – a real Miss Hannigan.] i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room…

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST
U… [I feel like I’m in Cold War Germany – how exciting! My adrenaline pulses. My heart races as I imagine how I will help Adriana escape through the chat room “wall.”] im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan 🙁 [Not to say “I told you so, ” but I told her not to major in English. I tell myself I’ll rub it in another time.] I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.  anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now..[Annoyed? Never. Disappointed? Concerned? Definitely.] im gonna go start work..[My blood boils as I imagine that evil Natalie reading every word as Adriana types. But luckily she can’t infer the subtext. No, Natalie underestimates Adriana – as so much of the world does. But not me! ] i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move… REALLY i mean that….anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont

wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days..if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha…[This last bit of “coded language” brings a smile of hope to my face. A glimmer of the spunky Adriana I remember – that couple times we talked before I defriended her. You see, Adriana always used to admire my balls – my ability to just go after my dream unapologetically. It’s time someone shows her she doesn’t need to admire other people’s balls – but instead can, in the immortal words of Betty Friedan,”lick her own.”] k babe im out
for now… chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana [Yours ever, “Mister.” p.s. How do you pronounce “Bebe”?…Seriously? ]

Elizabeth Shapiro is an actress, writer, singer based in Los Angeles.